|
|
|
Rural Relocation Considerations And Adjustments
o you're thinking about carvin' your own nitch in the
going country? It's time to wilderness, collectin' the
abandon the frenzy of city morning eggs and whittlin' on the
life, drop the ‘G' from the end porch swing each evening.
of your verbs and trade your Throughout the country, gentlemen
Gucci for goats. You long to be greet women with the tip of a hat
in a place where business is done and a polite, "Howdy Mam." You
on a handshake, where your long to raise your children in a
backyard is bountiful and where community where graciousness
folks welcome you with warm apple abounds while folks commune with
pie and a smile. You want the nature in perfect harmony. With
simple life. each flip of the page of County
Cool Magazine you feel your
Over 1.6 million people moved to stress level dip.
rural communities during the
first five years of this decade. Before you lapse completely into
Several stayed. This migration a coma, bear a few things in
continues - reinforced by dozens mind. Full-page glossies of
of national and regional family reunions held beneath
periodicals presenting sanitized towering, shabby-chic barns make
‘country chic' to millions of for better magazine copy than
armchair rednecks. Having read a centerfolds of locals trying to
myriad of books and magazines avoid making eye contact with
about goin' county, you are your U-Haul. Stylized black and
convinced it is for you. Why not? whites of cowboys branding in the
parched mid-day sun sell better
than snapshots of the Mayor's
Editorials immerse you with prose dead horses being left to rot all
of serenity found. You are summer long, directly in the
infatuated by the ideal of center of town. Furthermore,
triumphant tales of battling the straight up your knickers, I
elements flow better than ancient consider it my obligation to
country septic lines. No one provide balance to the Universe.
knows why the media doesn't
‘glam-up' peeing in your barn. Almost daily I question my
It must just be a fickle public. reasons for living in the
hinterland. For these moments of
Fickle indeed. I for one moved my apprehension, I maintain lists in
son from our life long home in my mind. My lists remind me both
San Diego to my birth state of what drove me out of California
South Dakota three times before and why I cannot abandon country
it stuck. Each time I recoiled in life. A hardy dose of big city
under a year. Best friends, burn out definitely came into
scores of humanities, the Pacific play. For starters, I realized I
surf and Thai food are a lot to was so sick of commuting I‘d
give up at one time. Harder still rather endure seven months per
was the shattering of my rose year in an icebox with no
colored glasses. sunlight than sit in another
traffic jam. With that thought
The secret to a successful alone I was ready to pull up my
relocation is knowing what to roots. I also decided to move.
honestly expect so you can laugh
cathartically when the inevitable In fact, developing a loathing of
bizarre scenarios emerge. Sudden the Urban Jungle was vital to my
disillusionment is rarely a eventual ‘success' in
knee-slapper. Nonetheless, once relocating. In retrospect, my
adjusted, country life is closer twig was definitely about to
to Nirvana than most get here on snap. Of course, so many city
Earth. Thus, while everyone else folk run around with fully bent
pumps pure country sunshine twigs, we never realize the
contorted conditions of our ornament.
existence. That many people
living in close proximity, under You carry more electronic gadgets
the confines of excessive on your person than Radio Shack
regulations, is the proverbial inventories.
pressure cooker.
You drive to work past ‘that
Urbanites and recent country same old group of homeless
converts wondering if your view people.'
on life may be intensely
contorted are welcome refer to my You smile and say, "Hi," to
lists. They provide perspective. strangers only because you know
For example: Signs of how it screws with their minds.
‘screwed-up' you may be would
include the following. Your horse board expenses equal
the Gross National Product of
You're having your morning Guatemala
coffee, a cow walks through the
front yard. You don't own a cow. You're convinced you are
You freak out, hit 911 and sue invisible and need two years of
the Meat Packers of America. plastic surgery just so city
gentlemen won't let the C-Store
You believe shoes matching your door spring back in your face.
nail polish is in any way a daily
priority. You pitch a fit when your
favorite salad bar serves cheese
You don't recognize that it is made with non-vegetarian rennet,
morally bankrupt to apply for a then drive the kids to Burgers
permit from a homeowners Burgers Burgers.
association to put out a lawn
Your children spend more time in lawn ornament.
the TV den than in treetops and
you think that's acceptable. You save getting the chickens
drunk for when you have
You get a building permit and houseguests.
three estimates to hang a
painting. You have no idea where your cell
phone went, but the Border Collie
Any chimes ringing? If so, remove is wearing your pager.
yourself form Urbania
immediately! Your twig is at You drive to work past ‘that
maximum contortion! Give the same old herd of buffalo'.
country three years and you will
stay. Transition is difficult, Your bird feeder expenses are
but once your up-tight attitude equivalent to the Gross National
is vanquished, your twig unbends. Product of Canada.
These are the indicators you are
settling in to the ‘Simple Elk mounts ordain the walls of
Life.' your favorite salad bar.
You're having your morning Your children spend more time in
coffee. A cow walks through the the their tree house than in
front yard. You don't own a cow. school.
You sit down and drink your
coffee. Yes, these are definitely
telltale signs, you have lost
Shoes' matching each other is low that city pace. Although you can
on the list of daily priorities. never voluntarily raise your
stress level back to match city
Your outhouse is not just a chic slickers, you have not lost
yourself completely. Search the
little places. Vestiges of your You could never shoot a deer, but
past will appear. These are the you can dress that sucker out in
traits of an American Hybrid. under two hours.
While having your morning
cappuccino, a cow walks through You fence in a sarong and thongs.
the front yard. You don't own a (This one gets the neighbors
cow. You toss it a biscotti. talking.)
You can't decide whether to paint You frequently run to town for
the walls of the outhouse in a Hawaiian Tofu and Goat Chow.
contemporary or impressionistic
motif. You have a different pair of
hiking boots for every occasion.
You use the word motif in the
same sentence with outhouse. Egyptian cotton sheets and a
commissioned replica of Picasso's
You actually make homemade Woman with Three Breasts enclose
preserves - wild chokecherries the baby chickens being reared in
with a boisterous zinfandel you your bedroom closet.
picked up in Napa last season.
It's true, every day more and
Mascara before milking. more of us are getting too
screwed up to ever return to the
You winter in the gulf of Siam. city. Still, for all our
You summer in bib overalls. differences country folk and city
slickers posses one commonality.
You smile and say, "Hi," to Neither group thinks twice about
strangers only because you know the US Government's Food Pyramid.
it screws with their minds. I guess we have to start
somewhere.
About the Author:
Rural Relocation - Considerations and Adjustments is a book excerpt from the satire Bitch Unleashed: The Harsh Realities of Goin' Country by Nola L. Kelsey. A free e-book copy of Bitch Unleashed is available on Nola Kelsey's web site at http://www.NolaKelsey.com.
Copyright 2005
Source: www.isnare.com
|
|
